A sudden influx of outsiders...

Ok. So I am a keen observer.

Over the past few years, and perhaps as a byproduct of the tumultuous change of 2006 in my life, I have begun noticing how many non-Texas license plates populate the highways before/during/after a workday.

Of course, I had a MUCH CLOSER view of them in 2006 when I was on my bike (yes, bicycle) just about every day - including on weekends when I rode to the grocery store...

But it wasn't until about two weeks ago that the license plates became a bit more personal. I have now met several folks who have relocated from such exotic places as Hawaii and Pittsburgh (yeah, PA) to the tiny little cultureless town I know as San Antonio. In fact, I prefer to call San Antonio "San Antonio" and not "SA" or "San Anto". Live here a year and you will understand why.

So all these people I've met suddenly become the personification of their outlying states - almost surprising me by their cool reception of what, in their eyes, appears to be another town just popping with excitement and opportunity...

Oh how wrong they are...

I have lived the vast chunk of my life in the southern half of Texas, and can honestly say that we don't differ much from any given border-town in Mexico. Well, unless Mexico had Air Force bases and 100,000 cars with base stickers on their windshields.

Nay, I say this having traveled to Monterrey, Mexico and all points inbetween. You see, there is this misconception that we all ride horses to work in Texas - that's not entirely true. SOME of us ride horses to work, but the rest drive these really huge Ford F950 pickups, with random powertools and ladders sticking out of the back.

A small percentage actually rely on Chevy Corsicas or GMC Sonomas with 1980's-style IROC Camaro alloy wheels to get to work during the day. With random ladders and tools sticking out the windows.

So it amazes me how people like Brian, from Pittsburgh, can't understand why traffic backs up on Interstate 35 all day due to lack of a Cloverleaf intersection at two of the major highways in San Antonio. Or why Don, from California, feels compelled to buy one of those brown painted metal stars from HEB to hang over his garage as soon as he moves here. Or even why some folks feel they have to post a picture of themselves in a George Strait straw hat on myspace to assure their kin that they REALLY TRULY HAVE ARRIVED IN TEXAS...

Meanwhile, the rest of us shrug with indifference, and make a mental note to avoid these people when they start hanging GO SPURS GO banners outside their home/cubicle/car.

Quick Factoid: Guess which city didn't burn itself to the ground celebrating the winning of the NBA Championship recently?

Yes - San Antonio.

We all got in our cars, and proceeded in an orderly fashion to drive in circles downtown while honking our horns and yelling random Spurs-isms out the opened windows. Of course, about 98% of the drivers were drunk, but don't tell that to newcomers. We don't want to scare the people driving home after 2am on the interstate about to plow into a wrong-way DWI driver just over the hill...

Still, I play it cool when Mr. or Mrs. Outlander makes observations about the town affectionately known as "The DWI Capital of Texas".

You think I'm joking?

The other day, at a local fast food eatery, I almost laughed chunks of chicken sandwich out my nose when one of the local stories in the newspaper was about a DWI driver rear-ending another DWI driver on Interstate 10 during the wee hours of the morning...

Sad?

You tell me.

How many people do you know that in the past 3 decades can remember driving down a dirt road in a metropolitan area of the state only to witness a donkey pissing furiously in the middle of the street while n+8 kids played with sticks and tires around it?

Now go ahead and tell me I'm jaded.

Welcome to SA, outlanders.

Be sure to check out my large, 5-pointed metal stars that are for sale on craigslist...